Thursday, July 17, 2008

our new place and today's mama drama

People have been requesting that I post some pics of our new place. I finally got around to picking up a bit and taking some yesterday. No this is not how my house looks everyday I definitely picked up each room as I took these. So here we go. We own the second and third floors of the building so when you walk in you go straight up these stairs. Come on up!

This little sitting area is at the top of the stairs. I love it. The office is next to the sitting area. Its the perfect size for a desk and my work counter. This is my studio room from one angle. I love the fireplace. Its non functional but its beautiful.A different view of the studio. All the stuff you see is props. The firetruck was Shane's when he was little. The green child's chair I picked up at an antique store last week. On top of the hutch is an awesome old suitcase that I can't wait to put a baby in. I am working on getting a white couch and some of those carpet squares you put together to make a rug. The dining room is right next to the studio and can be separated by closing the huge pocket door that you can see. I love that because I can close it off when I'm doing a shoot and its white so it bounces the natural light in the room. This is the living room. This is the kitchen. Stairs up to the third floor. Little living space at the top of the stairs. master bedroom. Here is Monkey Pants , I mean Monkey no pants in her room. And Monkey no Pants destroying her room 5 seconds after I picked it up. This brings me to the rest of today's post. I had a bit of a melt down today. I think mom's all have days where you think, I don't think I can do this. I can't pick up that same shoe one more time or put the same books back on the shelf. I can't clean up any more sticky off the kitchen floor or step on one more cheerio. I spent a lot of time cleaning the kitchen yesterday and by the end of today it looked like a disaster again and I just kind of lost it. We haven't gotten the child locks on the cabinets yet and so Monkey came through there like a tornado, then she kept trying to climb inside the dishwasher, and the sink was overflowing with dirty dishes. Then I spilled sweet tea on the floor. Then I started crying.

I spend most of my time picking up after Marlie. Seriously, all day. She's just at that age. She's in everything. She doesn't really want to play with toys, just anything else. It is wearing me out. I must say no 100 times a day and I know she gets sick of hearing it and I sure am sick of saying it.

We have always talked about having more kids. When I think about adding another baby to the mix it sounds like a horrible idea. Of course I don't know what it is like to have a husband who is home in the evenings because Shane has been in school the whole time we have had Marlie. But, sometimes I wonder if I am just a one kid mom, and this is making me sad. I always imagined myself with a big warm comfy house, lots of kids around the table and homemade cookies for dessert. Now I'm not so sure. Am I just a selfish person and I can't handle all of the sacrifice? I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be. I look at people like Jodie and think if she is handling 3 I shouldn't be struggling with 1.

My mom took Monkey for a few hours tonight and not a moment too soon. I am so thankful to have family here to help when I am on the edge. So, I took that time to pick up shoes and stuff and run to the hardware store.

Then, guess what happened when we got back home. I got Marlie out of her car seat and was slinging bags over my shoulders when she barfed everywhere. All over herself, me, all the bags. The perfect ending to a rough day. I am hoping it was just something she ate that didn't agree with her. She was driving me nuts all day and now I'm just worried sick about her. Thats being a mom in a nutshell I guess.


Jodie Allen said...

i should email you b/c this comment could get long, but maybe there are other first time moms reading this...

it gets easier.

that may seem crazy considering how young and close my kids are, but it is easier having three right now then it was with one or two.

not all the time mind you, i'm definitely more exhausted with three, but i handle it better and am getting very used to it.

what changes is that slowly, over time, you stop noticing the crunch of cheerios so much and rather than mess with child locks on the cabinets you just put stuff down there they can get into. you stay up an hour later cleaning up the house b/c you've given up picking up after them during the day. you stop cooking good meals and just make something relatively healthy for the kids and rely on cereal or Imo's for you. you don't notice how stained the couch is from spilled milk, juice, poop and puke and consider throwing a quilt over the stained ottoman a great solution for a slip cover.

you also stop beating yourself up so much and lower your standards a bit with each kid! i'm proud when i vacuum once a day now and 6 months ago I was doing it at least twice a day.

you are an incredible mom who is balancing a whole heck of a lot right now. you're allowed to have bad days and are definitely allowed to cry about it. just give yourself a break and look at all you're doing. and i totally understand not having help 24 hours a day... if i'd had grayson during soccer season someone would have had to come over and peel me off the floor where i would have collapsed in utter hopelessness and tears.

anyway, your post broke my heart b/c i've been there. many times. there were times i called my mom crying so hard she couldn't even understand me, she just knew she needed to come rescue me. it will get better and i pray that you don't give up on having more kids. although this is the hardest stage of my life yet, it's also the most amazing!

i'm here if you ever need me to help!

Jen Wiemer said...

a few things:

-way to lean up that house! now, i'm not saying it looked bad when i was there, but it was spifftacular in the photos.

-you mislabled the living room...that is actually my room...i believe i've stayed 6 nights there. it so counts.

-have fun shopping for the white couch and other house stuff!

-i'm leaving tomorrow for my whirlwind three weeks, so i can't get in trouble for not commenting between now and then :)

-i miss you and your awesome mom-ness. tell marlie to stop barfing and keep her pants on. (not really, but i'm just trying to tell you i'm on your side/you're a great mom!!!)

cheers for long comments today!!!

Lauren Sterling said...

I don't know any of you (I got the blog link from Emily Armstrong), but I have somehow gotten addicted to your blog. To the stories and the's good. Today, oddly enough,even amidst the puke and crying... I actually got inspired and made me excited to be a mom. Thanks for telling good stories and being real, while attempting to be a follower of Christ and fabulous mom.

Nicole said...

I think if most moms are honest they are all thinking a resounding "Amen--my thoughts exactly" to this post. At least this mom is...

Motherhood is so hard! I don't know when we'll be ready for another one. It seems like just when you get through one stage that was hard you enter another that is equally as difficult--they get sleeping down but refuse to eat--then you enter discipline stage, and then potty training, I don't even want to THINK about potty training!

Thanks so much for your honesty. Being honest will help you (and me and other moms going through similar things!) get through.


Fern said...

Your house is so beautiful!!!!

The toddler age is hard, especially if you don't have everything baby proofed. We had twins, and still find ourselves saying we can't believe how much this singleton baby gets into... that's because we had the twins locked out of everything, and we don't have that set up here.

It is crazy-making.

And I've found things go in stages. Right now I am in a very hard stage with my twins, who are nearly 4. A few months ago they were very easy. I know that in a few months they'll be easy again. The best and worst thing about parenthood is how quickly things change. Slowly things will get better until you can hardly remember this stage that is tough and trying... and them you'll head back into another trying stage.

And Jodie's right -- you let go of some of the perfection. It is hard... it makes me insane to have crumbs stuck to the soles of my feet, for example, but I can only sweep so many times a day. Otherwise I'd do it all day long to keep up with the trail of funk they drag through the house.

What you're doing is hard. Give yourself a little credit!

cara harjes said...

for whatever it matters, i think babies are SO hard from the time they can walk until the time they can talk. it is just really touch b/c they get all opinonated and mobile and yet they are like little drunk people who can't tell you what they need or want. so hang in there, dear erin. and you know what, there is nothing wrong with being a one kid mommy. i might be one too!


Amy said...

Erin, I am just now reading your blog! I am even more excited about our road trip!!! I wish that I had read this on that day so I could call you. You know that I can't handle it most days - but I am so glad that I have my girls. And I may be just a two kid mom, but that's okay (or at least I'm trying to convince myself of that).

I think you are amazing, incredible, strong, fun, creative, and sweet. I wish I was more like you. I know that Marlie loves you more than anything in this world.

And I feel like a slacker after reading Jodie's post because we just vaccuum when we have the floor cleared of toys or when the crushed goldfish crackers start to mimic a pattern on the carpet. :)

Your home is so cool and I can't wait to see it!