Two years ago today I woke up knowing that by the end of the day I would be a mommy. I had an ultrasound a few days before and the doctors were a little concerned about how big the baby was, the amount of fluid she was floating around in and the fact that she didn’t appear to be planning on coming out anytime soon. So, my doctor called and recommended a c-section be scheduled.
I was a little bummed to be missing out on the unexpectedness. Feeling contractions and racing to the hospital. But I must say it was pretty nice knowing when Marlie was coming. Shane and I slept in one last time. We picked up the house and made sure our bags were packed. Then we just hung out and watched a movie together Enjoying our last moments being a family of two.
There was a lot of waiting around at the hospital and my fears started creeping in but Shane made me laugh and kept me smiling. Being on the surgery table was pretty scary but it was over quickly. When my doctor pulled Marlie out I remember her saying “I think they were right about her size!” As it turns out she was pretty plump but not as big as they had suspected weighing in at 8 lbs 13 oz.
Her face was so perfectly round. Her cheeks were so plump. I was in love. Shane and I spent the next days looking at her and saying “I just can’t believe how cute she is”. We wrapped her up and took her home ready to start our lives together.
The day after we came home the world as we knew it was turned upside down. The next days and weeks and months that followed were the hardest in my life so far. Not so much because I had suddenly become a mom, but because ironically the rest of my life around me was falling apart. All I wanted to do was be with my new baby. I mean really be with her, focused on soaking in every first moment and oblivious to anything else. Instead I had to try my hardest not to think of everything else that was going on. I had to work to enjoy those moments instead of letting my mind drift off to the crap that was taking over. No matter how much I told myself that I wouldn’t let it steal those first moments away I just couldn’t control it. I was robbed.
At the time I would question God as to why everything had to fall apart right when Marlie was born. And now in hind sight I can see the blessing in it. Marlie was a tiny light in the darkest of times. On my own I would not have been smiling. Marlie made me smile. On my own I would have stayed in bed. Marlie made me get up and live. On my own I might have just given up. Marlie needed me so I just kept on going.
Marlie, how did you get to be 2 already? It wasn’t that long ago that both of your feet fit in my hand. I’m so proud of you. Proud of how you grow and learn. Proud of your spunky personality. Proud to be your mommy.
Thank you my Monkey Pants. For being my baby. For giving me purpose. For making me smile every day since the day you were born. Happy Birthday.